Superman Screws With Jimmy Some More

Being Superman's Pal must have been every kid's dream.  After all, he's Superman!  What's not to love?  However, this is the 50's/60's Superman in this story, meaning he's a dick for little or no reason.  Let's expand in Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen #13: "Jimmy Olsen's Super-Illusions!"

I'm happy that the house is for rent--at least Superman's not torturing a family inside.  If he was, though, they'd come up with some hair-brained solution.  But why is Superman doing this to Jimmy?  Is it because of some reason that has an easily-fixed solution but Supes decides to do it the hard way?  Of course.

As for the eggs, Jimmy must be trying to recuperate from the horse incident.

To no one's surprise (whether or not you've read the splash panel), it's Superman who's behind all of this.  How he knew that Jimmy would notice the unbent bar out of all of his trophies is beyond me.

Then, somehow, despite Metropolis being, well, a metropolis, only Jimmy seems to notice the UPSIDE-DOWN HOUSE.

I know that Superman is supposed to set a good example for kids (especially after the Comic Book Code was put into order), but wouldn't it be easier to just lie?  Just this once?  He's got a good reason, after all (as we find out later), but this isn't teaching kids not to lie--it's teaching them to find loopholes.  Superman should change his name to Superlawyer.

Why indeed, Superman?  Why?  It's because it's fun, isn't it?

There it is, folks!  Supes is deliberately making Jimmy think he's crazy to avoid letting his secret identity get out, yet again.  As everyone has said before, this whole identity stuff is harder than it's worth.  After all, if he has to spend a whole day playing pranks on Jimmy to keep it a secret, why bother anymore?

Now that I think about it, Clark Kent's job is the real problem.  Sure, being a reporter gives him an advantage to helping people, because the news is always flying right into his lap, but on the other hand, he works with the most inquisitive people in the world, people who would give their lives to knowing who he really was.

It's also ambiguous as to whether or not they'd be willing to sell him out.  Here, Jimmy waits until they're out of earshot, but in other comics, he'd totally do it in front of everyone.  Ditto on Lois.

Also, I love Jimmy's line about "lame excuses" that he's clearly used to getting.  Hee hee, how's Supes gonna get out of this one?

Yep, Jimmy's resorting to blackmail!  Admittedly, it's not much in the line of blackmail, as all he's asking for is a free ride, but we all know how these things can escalate.  Also, does anyone find Jimmy's "beginning to end" line a tad bit sexual?  Something about it rubs me the wrong way.

So Superman spins Jimmy around and lets his vomit rain down on poor people below just to save his identity.  And because a super-being needs to get his kicks, too.

Wait a second, couldn't he just have swapped the film BEFORE any of this happened?  Why go through all this super-illusion shit in the first place?  For that matter, why not just run at super-speed and smash the camera?  It's just that easy.  I know that Superman needs to use his brain as well as brawn, but sometimes brute force really is the answer.

Then Jimmy laughs in Clark's face at the idea of him being strong.  Perhaps Jimmy is the real dick.  That's an M Night Shyamalan twist for ya.

Lois Has the Worst Friends Ever

I simply cannot get enough of the Silver Age.  Get used to comics, folks, you're going to be seeing a lot of them.  This next one is from 1959's Lois Lane #9: "The Most Hated Girl in Metropolis!"

While Lois has always had the suspicion that Clark Kent was really Superman, she didn't actively try to expose him that much...except in the Silver Age.  Here, she was all over the guy, trying to tear out his secret. But what would happen if she actually did find out (back then, at least)?  This story plays with the idea, and the results are not pretty, as you can guess from the title.

I love that Jimmy went so far as to get Lois flowers to screw with her.  And why is everyone so surprised at Lois?  She's always doing stuff like this!  The real reason to be pissed off the fact that she succeeded.  On the bright side, it would really help the Planet's circulation.

Holy fudge, Supes is pissed!  I would be too, I guess.  You'd think Lois should have done more than just file it away.  Why not destroy it?  Or at least hide it?  Plus, that whole "I'd die before I'd betray Superman" line is a load of bunk, as a few issues later (in a story that I'll probably recap at some point), she's ready to expose Superman in front of Perry and Jimmy yet again.  Plus, she was totally willing to blackmail Robin a few issues ago.  But never Superman.

I like how Superman is all "Well, duh! Of course you were right!"  As if he's acknowledging how dumb his disguise was.  Also, I noticed that in panel two, Lois apparently stammers in her mind.  I didn't know that was possible.

I know the comic is called Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane, but I don't really view her as a girlfriend.  More like a crazy stalker.  Oh, and a Raggedy Ann doll reminds Lois of Superman for some reason.

Lucy may seem nice, but don't be fooled.  As the Jimmy Olsen comic proves, she's a nasty little thing.

Yep, the whole thing was a charade, a farce, a setup!  Lois got punk'd!

So Lois was never in any real trouble to begin with!  She gets to be on TV at the cost of her own sanity!  All her friends had to do to surprise her was to make her cry and then scar her for life by making her think they all hated her!  That won't leave any lasting impression!  Seriously, guys, there had to have been a better way to do this.

Of course, Superman could have just found the missing man because it's the Right Thing To Do, but then he couldn't manipulate said man.

Yeah, Superman went there.  He used a man with amnesia to cover for himself.  Granted, he does help the man get his memory back, but it was a pretty low trick.  In the comic world, amnesia seems to be either very hard or very easy to shake off.  In one comic, Superman got Lois's memory back by just shaking her and saying his name, but other times, everyone has to play a role in some kind of grand delusion before snapping the person out.

Meanwhile, a terrifying clown offers you candy.

Anorexic Jimmy

Again we foray into the Silver Age. This time it's 1955's "Jockey Olsen Rides Star Flash" from Jimmy Olsen #6.  If you thought that Lois had a rocky relationship with Superman, you haven't seen anything yet.  At least Lois had something to gain from her obsession with Superman (crazy, far-out alien sex), but Jimmy was just a pathetic fanboy, "Superman's Pal."  Supes couldn't resist screwing with the kid.  Here's just one of those many occasions:

"Nothing like a hearty lunch, I always say!"  Although this scene doesn't happen in the comic per se, it really sums up the story as a whole.  Superman seems to put all of his jobs on hold (time he could have spent saving people and stuff) to starve Jimmy.

Yeah, Jimmy.  You don't want to be a "hog," do you?  Seriously, look at that lunch!  I know he's supposed to slim down, but really, Superman?  Then again, his afternoon snack is kinda huge, so I can see where Supes is coming from in that case, but still.

Also, according to Perry White, there's no money involved, so what's Superman doing wasting his time on making Jimmy slimmy when he could, once again, be improving the lives of other citizens for real?  In the golden age, Superman exposed corrupt politicians and improved the lives of the impoverished, but here he's just dead-set on helping the Planet with a minor race.

I think that the ice cream guy, Chuck, is my favorite character in the story.  The way he stares at Jimmy in panel four is intense.  Yeah, you eat that ice cream, Jimmy.  You eat it and LIKE IT.  Meanwhile, the writers assure us that Superman is still taking time to save people (thank goodness), but his heart doesn't seem to be in it, as he refuses to make eye contact with the rescued mother and child, and instead uses his heat vision to melt the ice cream.  Woe to anyone who walked in the path between Superman's eyes and the ice cream bar.

But evil Chuck is not done!  When his ice cream plan fails, he tries to sabotage Jimmy yet again!  Oh, Chuck, what are we going to do with you?

Really, Superman?  Really?  Blinders?  Wouldn't it be easier to just eat somewhere privately?  And Jimmy totally goes along with it, too.  I guess he's been publicly humiliated so many times in the past, one more go at it wouldn't hurt.

"Superman, how could you?"  Yep, Supes actually makes him watch.  I know Chuck is supposed to be the villain here, but Superman is really pushing it.  Jimmy's not even safe in his dreams.  To make things worse, Superman was apparently right in starving Jimmy, as he ends up being three pounds overweight!

Sob!  Choke!  Sob-sob!  This looks like a job for Superman!

Yes, the training somehow even get more painful as Jimmy is forced to thrust himself into Superman's legs.  Actually, knowing Jimmy, he might kind of like it.

Yay-yyyyy!  So all ends well.  Chuck presumably gets fired (man, I liked you before, Chuck, but you're an idiot for telling your boss that.  Who in their right mind would make that kind of bet?) and Jimmy ends up looking like Luthor, but gets to pig out.

Also, why would that be their front page headline?  Must have been a really slow news day.

Who's Tricking Who?

I love the Silver Age of comics.  I love it to death.  It's just so much fun!  Seemingly no one has any common sense.  No one acts like a rational person.  In the Superman universe, it comes down to three basic components for the characters:

1. Jimmy Olsen is an idiot.
2. Lois Lane is crazy.
3. Superman is a dick.

Yes, I know, the wonderful Superdickery website has already made the joke, along with half of the Internet, but I just love these comics so much that I'd like to take a crack at it, too.  Heck, this whole blog may become devoted to old Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane comics.  Time will tell.

To start, we're going to look at the story from 1959's Lois Lane #6 -- "The Amazing Superman Junior."

Isn't Lois a wonderful role model for little girls?  If you can't get what you want, lie about it!

Luckily, Superman is there to bail her ass out of trouble, as always.  And Supes is lucky, too, as Lois apparently stays unconscious long enough for him to talk to Perry White and co. to devise a "clever" ruse, as Superman often did in the silver age in order to teach someone a lesson.  Y'know, instead of helping third-world countries.  With great power comes...wait, wrong comic.

I love all the trouble that Supes goes through to teach a lesson to Lois.  You'd think being blasted into space would be enough of a lesson for her, but this is Lois Lane we're talking about, so...

Superman has a BEARD!  How TERRIBLE!  I personally think it's actually a pretty nice look for the guy, but what do I know?  I also like how Robin disguises himself as "Fred Ashley, someone you've never met!"  It's just unnecessary of him to add the "someone you've never met" bit.  Lois knows she hasn't met him, why is he telling her this?  I know that it's to assure the reader that they haven't missed out on some major character in the chronicles, but it just comes off as sloppy.

One can't help feel sorry for Lois, but the thing is, she's learned the hard way that she shouldn't be so snoopy  tons of times, yet she can never seem to remember.  She's like Stan Smith on American Dad in some aspects.

Sa-ay, looks like a monkey wrench has been thrown into the mix...

He didn't just bake a cake, he SUPER-baked it!  Who's going to eat it all, though?  It's a nice spectacle, but it's far from practical.

Yep, that's right.  A super-serum.  Something that should have been used in an emergency only (like the events of Arkham Asylum or Arkham City, for instance) was used to punk Superman and Perry White.  Then again, people were getting superpowers left and right in the silver age, so I guess this wasn't such a big deal?  And how does Lois force Robin to do all this?

Yep, good ol' fashioned blackmail!  Lois is quite the card.  Why Robin didn't just tear up the paper and then knock her out, I don't know.  Anyway, Lois has a bit of saving grace what with the donation, but still.  I agree with Perry on this one.

Meanwhile, a polar bear teaches a lesson in gun safety.